Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

Taco Bell, Exit 22

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.