Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Need WebMD

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you