Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

British websites use biscuits.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy