Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

being a writer on Twitter:

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

haha same

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*