It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.