It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?