Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

that lip filler tho

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?