Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Truly one of the great bangers

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.