it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
