it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
new year update: losing everything but weight
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
