it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
