Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Oh. My. God.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
much to think about
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.