itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.