Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Steam Forums

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.