itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.