@Kauaibride

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

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@AimeeHelene1

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

@ojedge

[Blackstreet Bakery]

Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”

Baker: “No diggity?”

Me: “Baguette up.”

@Marlebean

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

@YosefHawel

Most young lives are lost not because of seat belts, but because the defibrillator needs you to sign into Facebook first.

@Tommytoughstuff

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

@Alex_Houseof308

My neighbor hates preparing food for his horses with his son, coz the boy always finds ways to mess things up.

So instead, he’ll ask the boy to polish his shoes to keep him busy, and then he’ll hurry to the stables to work. He makes hay while the son shines

@StarksWeek

“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.