“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!