#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
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God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I am yelling
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.