Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…