@bigmacher

#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!

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@Bownuggets

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

@Ramitology

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

@OBiiieeee

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

@Lunatic_times

when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.

@AlanHungover

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!

@HenpeckedHal

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

@pauleggleston

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

@onelongbender

Dave is coming over.

“Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he’s Spider-Man?”

[loud thud on the roof]

BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE