FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
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In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
fixed it
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that