Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Attacked by a mop.

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’