[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
You Might Also Like
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
How much for the goth pool noodles?