Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
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A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.