Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”