Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Lmao 🤣