Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives