I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards