I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.