Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

what is cheese if not milk persevering

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?