Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

🖤✌🏽

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

this will hang in the louvre one day

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound