I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
this is how life feels
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again