Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.