I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
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Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
shampoo implies shampee
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
nyc:
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
#Thanos #MondayMood
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.