Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.