Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol