Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

life finds a way

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.