I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
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Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
💁🏻♂️
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Krampus.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.