I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
motivation
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My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.