I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
You Might Also Like
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.