Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.