I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
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I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?