I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
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[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you