Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap