i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur