Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

dril cadence

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun