Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”