I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.