I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
You Might Also Like
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother