I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
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Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
