I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.