Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities