I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Wait for it
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
A termite walks into a tavern and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”