Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*