Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

As the Lord intended

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

WHO DID THIS?

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.