Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

ibopfufen

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.