Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

An odd boast

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020