I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
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the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Google reviews are always so mixed..
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me