Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”