PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
It’s weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.
1 tblspoon salt
1/2 litre milk
2 tblspoons honey
200 gram wholeweat flour
30 grams sugar
– recipe for disaster
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”