@themorris23

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

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@daemonic3

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

@daddydoubts

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

@Alvildalikely

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

@hamersauce

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

@better_off_dad

Marriage counselor: So, what are we dealing with here?

Me: Irreconcilable differences.

Her: Football & beer.

@filloryqueenA

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

@NoticablyBacon

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

@TheAndrewNadeau

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

@Bob_Janke

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.