@themorris23

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

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@nbadag

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

@MattTheBrand

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

@dxblarssonENG

It’s weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.

@Dutchtica

2 eggs
1 tblspoon salt
1/2 litre milk
2 tblspoons honey
200 gram wholeweat flour
30 grams sugar
tightrope
live badger

– recipe for disaster

@sarcasticmommy4

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

@Reverend_Scott

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

@FeverFlave

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

@JesKeepSwimming

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

@stephenjmolloy

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”