Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I hate when that happens.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times