WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Marriage counselor: So, what are we dealing with here?
Me: Irreconcilable differences.
Her: Football & beer.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?
ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.