Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*