Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.