Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

good news everyone

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

this site is so cooked lol

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.