I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My first son he is wonderful
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks