I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
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Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
This billboard speaks to me
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.