Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

Best spot.. 😅

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”