Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.