Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

I am thick and tired. 🙄

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

“TGIM!” – My liver

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.