i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
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People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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i want enemies
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I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*