i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days