Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.