I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out