I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
You Might Also Like
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
What number SPF blocks people?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”