Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?